attempt 5060600. and sharing it with a face
elif- f for freddy
nothing to say. its sad that my instinct is to write when i am unhappy. i wish i could describe happiness as well as i can use words for sadness. uneasy. uneasy. unwilling. non-existent. feet are falling, nothing but sound. even that makes me sick. do not want to see or hear from abc. no fucking way.
How would you feel if you spent a period of your life (even a minute) behind bars for a crime you never committed? January marks the 10th anniversary of this supermax prison: Guantanamo Bay. Anything extrajudicial is wrong! this is what people must realise, this is what we should be selfless about when campaigning. Human rights abuses can only be solved when we get in touch with our humanity. Look closer to home, but care for the world of colours out there too.
it’s exactly this. and the way we follow a year around sometimes and do the thing we… i’ll keep my fingers crossed and will feel the balls of my feet on the ground at every second of 12. Like some sort of angel from the factory of love, my friend, if there was such thing as having bests in life; my bestfreind managed to… and i cannot wait till monday, just the relief of having this burden removed, not urgent like taking a piss, i’m not bursting for it, but i’m about to pee myself for a holiday. They were 60% off the sale price. one hundred and twenty one pounds. i’d love to share my tale about this pair of…but wont ruin the magic of it. Need to start moving forward with my new year resolutions.
i’m thinking. how was this year? 2011. the year with the odd number. the year i turned 21. i want to analyse it, but its too all over the place everything seems patchy. ‘it wasn’t that bad’ i say, but somehow it seems it could have been better. it has categories… i start thinking of my standards and the hopes i had, those high hopes of achievement. and how is happiness attained?
if i say it was good; i can’t work out why i feel numb. if i say it was bad; i can’t answer; “but you had me in your life”. i could say ‘i was in complete harmony and everything was awesome on its own’, then i’ll have them think that i don’t miss them, they’ll believe i am egocentric. if i say i had misfortune; i’ll presumably get ‘you lived with me, you saw me every morning’.
I’ve given up. it was a weird year. so i hope 2012 will be a better year. obviously- clearly with its categories again. for all of us. with health at our feet and luck in our breath. i hope i feel the love in everything i do.
Right now, i am in a quieter place. though, for the last couple of months, i have had a silly dilemma…. and now, i know that the missing pieces are not relevant. i always believe this and will always say it ‘stick a bridge there and the inbetween part will not matter.’ i like who i am. and this is true. i do. i like who i am, because.. i seek out for people who help me, who improve me, who challenge me, who make me feel like i am human, people who are genuine with their hatred and love. it is only then i can believe that they will.. and we will be… Only then will i ever feel ready, and i’ll prepare myself. Only then will changes occur. and i know to accept. and i will never stop being me, and i will carry on caring and sharing, and all intentions will maximise in only… even in the most shakiest of situations. be assured.
and i cant just stick myself into resume mode when life is available. somedays you change, creature, feeling pulled down by everything surrounding. lately it has been in sound. i just don’t believe in it. i have reasons.
working on stitching my stegosaurus onto the back of my jean pocket.
once again reminded myself that if i impart my dreams to faithful and loyal people, i know i will change their lives, and that in time they will help me change mine. that’s why faith is important to me, honesty is important for me, being explicit is important, being genuine, open, upfront, real, so so real, it’s all important to me and i just wish it could be as important to everyone else, would make the world a much much better place.
“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”- Mary Ann age 4.
returning to the ways, days of uncaring, independent and unattached nature.
i have been very demoralised by the work and research i have been drawing out on political activists and the challenges they are faced with. somethings hit home a bit in the last two days especially after speaking to my parents who are away for the week. it made me realise we are all nobodies, but its important to feel as a somebody and to unite for the correct causes. nothing can bring back this minute.
I’m trying to stop judging the situation in the most negative light, but it is difficult, especially when things change immensely with the click of a finger, and you feel no security whatsoever. It’s difficult. Can i justify my defensiveness? and maybe i really knew what was going to happen all along the way, and i let this problem become an opportunity for me. Surely, i should find a way to approach it, before it develops into weird habits. I need to handle this. I’ve gotten totally lost and bewildered. And i can’t say it is rejection for i want to believe it isn’t. i value, and therefore love matters.
Such a terrible journey to work this morning. the cart full of sad looking people and just the two men who wouldn’t stop talking complete rubbish about work (surely it was too early for that stuff). It has made me wonder though, has anyone actually bought any tickets to see any of the games at the 2012 Olympics? I’ve just checked the site and i’ve made a decision not to invest in it, the prices of tickets are hilarious, i won’t go unless someone gives me a ticket because they’re nice or stupid.
sometimes you bring the outer world in. at times things may nudge you more than usual and you feel it in mind, body and soul. at times the individual may want an external source of support, this is not the wrong thing to do and it should not be classified as the weak thing to do, it can help sometimes. However, i have always strongly believed we as human beings find the best solutions when we introspectively look for them. they are in there somewhere, sometimes it takes longer to trace and find them. your head may get heavier and you may feel your stomach get smaller. you may wander the earth with no soul. but there is no secret to healing wounds, the faith in a good life is the utmost healing belief. yesterday’s mistakes should not be made.
the forgotten real life, knife stabbing, eye opening, real-feelings. bringing your mind and body to a halt, making you think without blinking, without plotting. for days and weeks i have felt like i was doing something wrong,or something was going wrong, and finally i know it is just. I am aware of individual differences, basic instinct to bring it up, but i had forgotten, i can now resolve my uneasiness. i worked the night, only smiling when seeing the odd familiar faces, then it happened, and i can recall that i stood still for about 20 minutes when i got in, shocked. everything became pointless. rock solid. and the distinct smell that was lingering in the room. i cleaned myself, and promised myself this is what i will do with everything, i stuck a tampon. in bed under the covers blocking the unwanted stench, i tried to sleep. but i couldn’t. mothers, fathers, lovers, will never learn to sleep when hurt. next to me, it was crying? or clearing a blocked throat harmed willingly. numb. we learn to cope, the grey sky after a monotone journey on the train prompts you to believe there is light at the end of it and everything is a… and that i am privileged to be learning all of this willingly, via my own choices. i got out, didn’t want to touch at all. washed my face, and itched the insides of my painful eyes, put a fresh new mask on and left. walking down that corridor i felt….i am scared of myself. i’m not looking for answers or solutions im looking for me.